Drinking Game: First Democratic Debates Edition
A guide to drinking your way through the shit show.
Drink when any of the below occurs (broken down by debate and candidate).
Debate 1 (Wed. June 26, 9 PM ET):
Elizabeth Warren — she touts her planning ability (max twice; double up if her healthcare plan consists of “multiple pathways” or some other incrementalist bullshit); she gets criticized and, in the audience, you spot a somber Paul Krugman dressed in Apache garb (team jersey), a lone tear exiting his eye
Beto O’Rourke — for at least a minute, words come out of his mouth but substance doesn’t (max once); he hops onto a podium unprovoked (finish the bottle if provoked); he breaks down and can be heard continuously murmuring “white male privilege” as he’s carried off stage
Cory Booker — he gives a completely uninspirational inspirational speech (double up if he’s even less substantive than Beto; triple up if he fucks up his grammar in his live performance of answer card no. 22; quadruple up if he references Spartacus)
Amy Klobuchar — she declines to support a progressive policy position (max once); she walks onstage with a woodchipper (double up if you didn’t get that joke)
Jay Inslee — you’re iced if he mentions ice (max once); he bursts onstage on the back of his pet polar bear (double up if, after a commercial break, he returns to stage draped in the pet’s pelt)
Julian Castro — he unnecessarily scrunches his face and/or uses his super serious whisper voice (see campaign announcement ad for benchmark; max once)
Tulsi Gabbard — she begins feverishly chanting “counterproductive regime change war(s)” (max once); she brings up Assange/Snowden/Manning and her mic gets cut
Bill de Blasio — he finally admits to the murder of Charlotte the celebrity groundhog; he calls for targeted killings of deer and straight genocide of rats; he gets booted for coaching violations after receiving too many texts from his son about how not to appear like an animal killer
Tim Ryan — you mixed him up with Paul Ryan
John Delaney — he gets booed (double up if it’s for a full minute; triple up if it’s right when he walks on stage)
Debate 2 (Thurs. June 27, 9 PM ET):
Joe Biden — he says he’s a centrist/touts the wonders of bipartisanship (double up if he says he’s progressive; triple up if he does both); he pounces on an opponent for an unsolicited shoulder massage (double up if he pounces on an eight-year-old girl instead); he frenches a segregationist on stage (double up if he’s sporting a fade; triple up if he praises his buddy “that clean n****r Barack” while doing it)
Bernie Sanders — he references FDR and/or MLK (max twice); he’s reprimanded as a bad, bad sexist (double up if it’s by a moderator; triple up if Biden nods in agreement); he’s too busy chatting with a worker/union organizer to make the debate
Kamala Harris — she describes herself as a progressive prosecutor (double up if she jokes about threatening prosecution of parents of truant children; triple up if she says she supports marijuana legalization because of her Jamaican relatives and/or because she got stoned and bopped some Tupac)
Pete Buttigieg — he mentions his sexual orientation, academic background, linguistic talent, and/or military experience (max twice; double up if this constitutes his entire opening and closing statements; triple up if he outdoes both Beto and Booker on vacuity per capita); he walks onstage with some Chik-fil-A chicken (double up if he brings hot sauce too); he fires Lester Holt
Kirsten Gillibrand — she claims to be a progressive (finish the bottle if you believe her); she pledges to shoot the Thanksgiving turkey instead of pardoning it (double up if she promises to wear a black belt while doing it; triple up if she insists on John Wick-style assassination)
Michael Bennet — pity shot (repeat at your discretion)
John Hickenlooper — he attacks Senator Bernard StalinHitler (max twice); he gets booed (max once); he gets bored and leaves to watch a porno with his mom
Eric Swalwell — he beats the shit out of Hickenlooper (double up if he says, “I’m all for gun control, but you can’t regulate these arms”)
Andrew Yang — he performs quick mafs (max once; double up if he walks onstage with a “MATH” hat and a TI-84); he commiserates with the plight of your neighborhood neo-Nazi truck driver (double up if you think that’s a cheap shot)
Marianne Williamson — she mentions Oprah (double up if she morphs into Oprah; triple up if that produces a tear in Tom Hanks’s eye)
Bonus:
Take a shot if:
Rachel Maddow falls asleep mid-debate only to later wake up in sweats screaming “RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA”
Chuck Todd falls asleep and doesn’t wake up
The Gravel teens sprain an ankle and/or break a backboard from too much dunking on Twitter
The camera pans to a smiling, dead-inside Seth Moulton in the audience (preferably whisky to match his inner sadness)
Howard Schultz suddenly appears and launches a trident at Sanders
Trump decides to nuke Iran to depress debate viewership
